It’s been 3 years since I started this blog and made my first and only post. I’m not sure why I started it but obviously I had some intention to use it as a form of therapy. When I wrote my first blog post it had only been 7 months since the loss of my mother… The day I failed to save her life.. so I thought. After that first blog post.. I did in fact lose everything.. at the time.
My girlfriend Molly of 3 years or so was trying to be supported during my hard times but when she returned to University she couldn’t help me anymore and it was stressing her out. One day I moved her in and two days later she left me. It was sudden and out of nowhere and left me broken for months… I drank, smoked weed and dropped out of college. My life went downhill and I didn’t see much point anymore. I had a basement apartment for 3 months and I stayed down there hoping I’d find an answer but I didn’t. I researched how to commit suicide without feeling any pain.. I did my research and figured out a few ways but I just kept drinking and laying in my basement apartment day in and day out. Eventually I didn’t have any more money so I had to move in with my sister.. She helped me for a bit and I’m so grateful. While there, I smoked weed still but stopped drinking. It was a change and I found that balance that helped deal with my mental health and whatever else was going on.
After a few months of living with my sister I didn’t do anything.. we were both depressed after losing our mother. Shortly near the end of living with her our Grandmother passed away. Our mothers mother… It was difficult but I didn’t cry. I was emotionless, confused but in peace. Shortly after we had her funeral. Guess who attended? .. Yep. Molly. I was so nervous because I wasn’t sure why she was there, I thought maybe she was there to support me and we can maybe get back together or maybe she was there to just show her support and leave it at that but nope.. Never heard from her after that. Couple months go by and I start talking to a few girls trying to make some friends and build a life again. During my relationship with Molly I lost a lot of friends because I was so infatuated with her and in love. I had tunnel vision and before I knew it I was alone with my small group of friends In my sisters apartment not doing anything with my life waiting for that text saying “I want you back” or whatever. My friend who I grew up with moved an hour away and had a student room in the same house available so I hopped on it.
Let me go back a month. I started talking to this girl named Nicole, she was so beautiful! I was nervous to go into something but I didn’t totally turn down the idea of another relationship. We met a couple times.. went for dinner and went on a walk 4 weeks went by and I haven’t kissed her yet because I didn’t want to ruin anything we had.. or I thought we had…
To be continued..
Talk soon,
Derek
December 11th, 2018
The Derek Report 