A little about me…

I’m sure you’re wondering why I must have started this blog page and well, I sort of don’t know either. My first initial thought was to give myself a place I can express my feelings in hopes someone else can relate. I’ve been through a pretty tough time these past 7 months and I really don’t think anyone understands. Well, at least no one I know. I’d like to fill you in on my story that got me into the position today to start writing this blog.

On the morning of April 4th, 2015 at around 10:00 am I was woken suddenly from a deep sleep by my ever so annoying alarm clock and I’m sure you can relate. I start my daily routine. Get up, grab my clothes for the day, grab a towel and see how my mom is doing. Before I go any further let me explain a few things… My mother had diabetes and suffered severely. A couple weeks after coming home from a family vacation she noticed an infection in her foot. Her foot then started to change colors and eventually turned black. I could always hear her cry from how much pain she was in. She ended up getting her big toe amputated a couple months later. Then she started going down hill and here I am… a year and a half later.

So I was checking on my mother and making sure she was okay. I entered her room casually and started with a happy “good morning!” and I got no response. I went in to her room to see her lying on her bed unconscious. I say mom, mom, mom!!! and no response. I rush towards her screaming her name and shaking her but I receive nothing. Its like she couldn’t even hear me. I run down to my bedroom and wake my girlfriend, Molly. She goes back upstairs with me and we both try and wake her and nothing is working. Molly calls 911 and they tell us what to do. At this point my face has gone white and I’m staring at nothing. Molly’s screaming my name but I can’t hear her. Everything else around me has been put on mute. I start to hear her, its felt like 10 minutes have gone by but its only been seconds. I quickly snap out of it and help Molly with what ever the 911 operator instructs us to do. We were told to carry my mom off her bed and on to the floor to preform CPR. I don’t know how we pulled it off but we did. I began pacing back and forth, back and forth around my house while Molly did everything she could. I hear the sirens in the distance, I can’t believe this is actually happening. The emergency services came in and told us to get out so they can try and help my mom. We sit, and we sit, and we sit. Nothing seems to be happening. I have this deep gut feeling that she is gone but I didn’t have the guts to say it. I couldn’t swallow the truth. I had to have faith. We then got rushed to the hospital and started calling my family. One after another, I had to explain, Mom is in the hospital you have to come now. I knew she was gone but I can’t say that, there has been no confirmation but the look I got from her when I first saw her, she was already gone before I could even do anything.

My family arrived at the hospital and we sat and waited, and waited and waited. The nurse came in and we could see it on her face that it wasn’t good news. I knew she was gone. She then said the words, your mother has passed away. Those words were the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I look around at everyone crying, and I’m just blank faced. I didn’t know what to do. Do they know what my girlfriend and I just went through? I feel like I’m the most content person here and I watched my mother pass away in front me. I knew there was nothing we could do, there was nothing anyone could do but we had to try.

Well, that’s what happened. I’ve been trying my best to live with what happened these past 7 months but its been the hardest months of my life. I hide so many feelings from people because I’m afraid they won’t understand. I’ve lost my mother, my best friend. The only woman I could ask anything to.

I’ve been really struggling lately and it’s severely affecting my social life, school and relationship. I’m afraid I’ll lose everything.

This is The Derek Report, the unwritten story of turning my life around.